This Just In: BYOKey

Josh, who writes a new blog called palaverist.org (and another, soon to be my personal fave: [this is not a sentence]) sent in this nightmare nugget:

My own story of hate is about the Duane Reade around the corner from my office, where I actually watched a woman [ed. - cashier, I'm assuming] assess the line forming by the pharmacy, ostentatiously lock the door to the pharmacy, and then tell all the customers standing there that there was no way she could give anyone their medicine because the pharmacy was locked.

Too crowded, ya'll. Unless you have Cheetos, I'm not opening shit.

Speaking of pharmacies...has anyone visited the Duane Reade doctor yet? I'm licking taxi floors just to get sick enough for a visit.

Dr. Reade is available at these locations:
• 1627 Broadway at 50th Street
• 2589 Broadway at 97th Street
• 125 East 86th Street at Lexington Avenue

Go forth and contract TB, people!

From Our Comments Section

Almost missed this - submitted by Anonymous:

http://duanereadebagssuck.com/

Indeed.

Martha Plimpton, New York Mag, and the DR

It would've made our day just to know that Martha Plimpton shares our hate of the DR. I mean, c'mon, she totally got to make out with pre-Lake House* Keanu in Parenthood. When he was all bad-ass and drove race cars and she was all preggers and 'I love you Todd' and he was all 'excellent' because really, who can't think of Keanu without thinking 'excellent.'

I digress.

We were certainly not prepared for the write up in NYmag.com's Daily Intelligencer.

Rock it, bad selves.

So now we know that Martha Plimpton hates Duane Reade. She's not the only one, of course, and, as it turns out, there's now a blog — why wouldn't there be a blog? — devoted to chronicling the horrors of the drugstore chain that's eating New York. I Hate Duane Reade launched in February and encourages reader to share their tales of woe. The first post meditated on the one-line-or-several debate; since then the site has included "Overheard in DR" posts ("Teenage girl shaking her fist: 'Fuck you Duane Reade! Gah!' –76th & Broadway"), numerous pharmacy horror stories, and April's sort of genius taxonomy of your standard Duane Reade employees. (A sample: "Photo Guy — He's there. He's just standing there. He knows you want him to say 'cash only' and invite you up. Nope. He's photo guy. Don't mess.") "After way too many bar sessions filled with rants about customer service, specifically the DR," the founders wrote on the site, "we decided to vent our frustrations in prose … and sometimes haiku." Here's a try: Martha Plimpton stews / While filling a prescription / "You have a Club Card?"

Rock.

It.

*a film never to see the light of day en casa de wrathos.

Paging Dr. Reade...

HOLY Hell, people.

Duane Reade is putting doctors on-site for folks who don't want to wait around at the emergency room.

On one side, I could see the benefits. Especially for lady issues.

On the other, can you imagine the crack den this is going to create?! It's gonna turn the DR into a TB ward!

From NY1:

May 24, 2007

Duane Reade customers can now not only pick up their prescriptions, but also see a doctor.

The city's largest drug store chain announced Thursday that it has partnered with Consumer Health Services to launch DR Walk-In Medical Care. The partnership will allow people to have access to a doctor's treatment for minor medical conditions without waiting for an appointment or spending hours in the Emergency Room.

New Yorkers NY1 spoke to say they like the idea.

"I would use it,” said one local resident. “There's a Duane Reade practically around any neighborhood."

"I most definitely would try it," said another.

"If I had reason to use it, I'd be glad to use it,” said a third. “I think it's very good; they should have had it a long time ago."

The doctors can also provide health screenings, tests, and vaccinations. All commercial insurance is accepted.

Currently the on-site doctors are at three Duane Reade locations in Manhattan: 50th Street and Broadway, 97th Street and Broadway, and 86th Street and Lexington Avenue.

More locations are expected to open throughout the year.

This can't be safe. They can barely FIND your prescription and now they ask you to put your life in their hands?!

I can't. E-V-E-N.

I Call BullSh*t: Update #2

The pledge is ON, people!

Here's Duane pledgin' at the subway stop:



And here he goes pledgin' up the bus stop:



What's that number about? Dare me to call them? I'm calling...no really, watch guys, watch!

Shhhhh....:chortle:...guys, c'mon quit playin! ooh-wait, it's ringing!

RING RING

Automated voice. Figures.
Press 1 for English...

*Pressed 1*

Press 1 for Location, store hours, etc.
Press 2 for Dollar Rewards
Press 3 for I forget I was typing too much
Press 4 for Dollar Rewards Bonus Points Program
Press 5 for another Dollar Rewards Thingy
Press 0 for assistance or wait on the line.

*I wait.*

If you are experiencing a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.

*Am I going to hell because I laughed?*

Extension Zero...Zero...Zero...One is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

YES!!!! BRILLIANT!

I was totally expecting some lame back and forth about what to do if my prescription didn't get filled on time, but Duane Reade, you surpassed my wildest expectations.

I thank you, Duane. Truly, you are beautiful.

I Call BullSh*t: Update

G. sent in this pic of one of the buses with Duane Reade's new "pledge."

"We Pledge To: Ensure you receive your prescription when you need it. Every time."

Tell that to my anemia next time you run out of B12...or more importantly, when I need my birth control refilled for vacation and you didn't get to it today.

Los bastardos.

I Call BullSh*t

::chortle::
Was it something we said?

It seems that Duane Reade has created a new ad campaign focused on some "pledges" they'd like to make their customers.

The one big banner I saw on a NJT bus proclaimed "We promise to deliver your prescription on time."

And here's something I found this morning near the vitamins:



BWAHHHAAAA! C'mon Duane, have you sent that memo to your employees? BTW, I'm so tempted to refill a script here, just to call Wesam and give a piece of my mind.

Now, I'm delusional about a lot of things:
- looking good in leggings
- my memory loss is not from college pot
- and that Aki Sushi really gets a fresh tuna delivery every day.

So, I'll continue the trend and think that WE had a little something to do with the DR's new call to action.

That said: has anyone else seen these ads? Got pics? Are there other "pledges" in the series? (Personally, I'm hoping for: "We promise not to eat Cheetos while operating a cash register.")

Diary of a Commuter Strike

I'm 32, so there's no hippie history, no protest experience, no free-wheelin' parents (they're 70ish and ultra-conservative) who instilled sticking it to THE MAN.

And yet, I find myself organizing a full-blown commuter strike against a local bus company.

This really doesn't fit in with the IHDR sentiment, but I felt compelled to share the experience with you...whether we succeed or fail.

How did this start?

Ok. There's a local online community called Baristanet and it's a really well done, frequently updated, fyi on what's up in our area.

Every time there's an article concerning DeCamp Bus Company, the comments section blows up. People share nightmare experiences (sound familiar), damn the company to a fiery death, describe the pains of a daily commute.

Examples are here, here and here.

Being Greek, I can't shut up.

"So, why don't we strike?"

Well, folks got fired up. T-shirts were brainstormed, date chosen, guerrilla marketing plotted. Wow. Uh, what did I start?

Mom always said "follow through" (so did Coach Poppy when I couldn't get a consistent foul shot). So that's what I've been doing.

Last night I was on every NJ chat room I could find. Ugh, the spam I'm going to get.

I take DeCamp maaaaybe once a month. When I'm desperate (read: drunkenly miss the train home). I purposely avoid the damn thing, even though I could jump from my balcony to the train stop.

So now I'm a Norma Rae vs. DeCamp. And we'll probably get 3 people to boycott and no one will sign the petition. But, I can't help hope that we get their attention and they finally ban abusive bus drivers or keep to the schedule they've assigned. Big dreams, people. Big dreams.

For more info on the strike, click here.

For the petition (if you'd like to sign in solidarity), here.

More on the DR next post.

Line It Up

I posted about this subject during the first week of this blog, but the concept still perplexes me.

I was at DR yesterday (where I got my $5 coupon - ssscore!) and immediately became uncomfortable when I saw that the line was snaking down the cereal aisle.

So I purposely took my time getting my bottled water, zone bar, coffee drink....line's still long....plastic forks, trial size purell....jesus, is it even moving...hair ties, another zone bar...alright that's it.

Yeah, the line was unusually long. Even for a Monday morning. Being a dedicated blogger (read: I stir shit up), I marched to the front to survey the hold-up.

I would love to share with you some LOLOldPeople story about how some poor woman was trying to pay with pennies and wooden nickels. Or that we were waiting on change from the manager, who no doubt was 'on a break'.

No my friends. What I witnessed was one long ass line...and two open registers.
Nothing gets me more fired up than stubborn ass people unwilling to take that (life-changing!) risk of forming two separate lines. To DR's credit, there are signs clearly stating "please form a single line at each register." But between lazy customers and aloof cashiers, there's no chance.

So obnoxious Wrathos inquires:"Are you guys in one line or two (stating the obvious, but I refused to believe these idiots were wrecking their chances of getting out of this hell hole faster)?"

No response.

"Because, the sign says you can form two lines..."

Nothing.

So, I sheep over to the back of the line and lemming in line for another 40 cattle minutes.

Here's the question:
Which do you prefer? One line or multiple lines? Statistically speaking, which makes more sense? Is there something you guys know that I don't???

Leave your answer in "Comments," because I'm truly curious.

The Post Office is a Magical Place...

Introducing the comic stylings of the Madison Square Post Office Greeter...

THIS GUY WAS AWESOME.

I know, you can't really see him and I suck at photoshop. Whatever. It's a dude and he was awesome. Now we're caught up.

His job is to prevent riots and postal drama like this. You walk in and the guy's holding court, cracking jokes, answering questions, and my favorite: making fun of the elderly.

"There is no running in the post office. Unless you're a senior citizen. We want you guys to stretch out the legs and work on your lung capacity."

I'm not shitting you.

"If you're a senior and you complain about the rising cost of stamps, let me remind you of your discount on subways, buses and IHOP."

I'm still not shitting you.

"Seniors, you continue to complain, I'm sending you to the back of the line."

Ahhh, I love this guy. Clearly he's ageist, and he's been assigned to customer service within an institution that is most traveled by folks on a fixed income.

Irony: There were no seniors on line. Truly. Median age was about 35.

OneBlogADay.com

While us girls recover from some major workload issues, check out the interview on OneBlogADay.com. It's a pretty cool site that features...uh yeah...one blog. A day.

We'll be back soon. Stupid paycheck needs.

A More Favorable Signal

For the past couple of days, we have been delayed a few minutes on the NJTransit train.

Usually the conductor announces over the P.A.:

Ladies and gentlemen, we're currently being held at a stop signal, once we receive a more favorable signal, we'll be on our way.

This gave me pause.

"A more favorable signal."

Ok, fair enough. And eloquent, I might add.

But, here's where I'm confused: What are the favorable choices, besides Green?

Are there more options? Is there a new system of lights, sounds, pictures and phrases to help us get over the Passaic?

One can only guess...so I did.

Favorable signals:

• Green
• Yellow
• Taupe
• Hello gorgeous!
• Nice weather we're having...
• Did you lose weight?
• No nukes
• ::big thumbs up::
• ::bucket of wings::
• Get a move on, tubs.
  
• Pass the dutchie on the left hand side.
  
• ::theme from Bonanza::
• Can-can girls
• Picture of cartoon train wearing running shoes
• ::whip crackle::
• Zepplin laser light show
• Guiliani

Aisle by Aisle: Cosmetics

Nothing says organization and style like the Duane Reade Cosmetic aisle.

Won't you join me, as I take us on an epic(ish) journey through this magical row?

As you walk down the aisle you may notice that Duane Reade is the height of sophistication. They need not finish stocking the products. The cardboard boxes and gray packing crates tell you they are a quality, efficient drugstore and they want to show how abundant your choices are.

And if you're fortunate enough to be looking for a specific item not on shelves, you might be invited to search through them by harried stock persons saddled with cell phone calls.

Duane Reade wants you to know that they mean business when giving their customers a choice. Like the overflow of emery boards, spilling in plentiful piles across the floor. Or the surplus of Triple Lanolin Mango Vera Cream. It brings a tear to the eye.

And, by stocking every makeup variation from Allmay to Allmaybenot, the DR shows they know their customers and aren't afraid of stocking that Hooker Red Wet N' Wild Lip Schmear you might be possessed to purchase after a few cocktails at the Port Authority's toothless karaoke lounge.

In addition, Mr. Reade has given you an opportunity to select quality last minute gifts from their counter. Perhaps a $79.99 Casio fabric-strapped watch for your nearest and dearest? Or what about some plastic jewelry or Parfum de Coeur? I mean, c'mon - it's 50% off with your club card!!

From hot iPod accessories to sample face masks to velcro rollers, the Duane Reade cosmetic aisle is an experience not to be missed.

Any items from the Cosmetic aisle you'd like to highlight? Tell us!

Overheard in the DR

From Overheard In New York:

Guy: I don't need a bag, thanks.
Store lady: You're going to carry that in your hand?
Guy: Yeah.
Store lady: That's fine with me. I love customers who don't want bags.
Guy: Why waste them, right?
Store lady: Yeah. People need to recycle. They keep cutting down more and more trees for these bags.
Guy: ...Yeah.
Store lady: Plastic bags are made out of trees, right?
Guy: ...Well, no...
Store lady: Oh, I think it's paper bags that are made out of trees.

--Duane Reade, 22nd & Park

Aw C'MON Atlanta Bread Company!

You'll remember from this post how nicey-nice I was to Atlanta Bread Company b/c they'd admitted a screw up and were happy to make amends.

Went there again this weekend. Two sandwiches. Both require cheese. Cheese is my life's blood. I would live on grilled cheese sandwiches if I wouldn't then have to use a pulley system to get to/from work.

Anyway, yeah, no cheese. Not even 'wrong cheese'. Not even 'half-assed attempt at cheese'. Goddammit. Where's my CHEESE?!

Atlanta Bread Company is now on my sh*t list.

I'm misty-eyed. Words are failing me. So I'll let this dummy take a crack at it:

Looking for a job? You must be smiling, cheerful, dependable...at least during the interview.

Cashier/Stock Associates

---

Company: Duane Reade, Inc.
Location: Various Stores
Status: Full Time or Part Time
Experience:
Salary:
Posted Date: 4/9/2007

Job Description:
Cashier/Stock

What We Do:

Duane Reade, New York's number one drug store chain, has the largest market share of any chain drug store in the New York Metropolitan area. We are recognized in this market as the consumer’s first choice for pharmacy and convenience needs including health and beauty care items, cosmetics, gift cards, vitamins and grocery items.

Convenient locations in NYC's five boroughs, Long Island, Westchester and New Jersey, flexible schedules that fit your lifestyle and promotions from within are just a few of the benefits we offer. If you are looking for a great career in retail, we welcome you to explore the many opportunities we have at Duane Reade; a Company where an exciting career is in your future!

Qualifications:

• High school diploma or equivalency.
• Must be eighteen years of age.
• A smiling face and upbeat attitude.
• The drive to see opportunity and go get it!
• Dependable and trustworthy.
• Passion and a sense of urgency to take care of the customer.
• Basic leadership skills.
• Ability to learn quickly and follow basic instruction.

Responsibilities:

• Ensure a fast, accurate and pleasant check-out of all customers.
• Provide exemplary customer service.
• Deter shop-lifting following Company standards.
• Follow basic instruction from store managers and assistant managers.
• Unload trucks in compliance with Company standards.
• Comply with the company uniform policy.
• Conduct price audits using the scanner gun.
• Ensure as many customers as possible are enrolled in the Dollar Rewards loyalty card program.
• Be a team player and provide a helping hand to all associates.
• Work safely and efficiently building displays and stocking shelves.
• Treat all associates with respect and dignity.
• Bring the right attitude to work everyday and ensure all customers leave the store happy!

Click on link below and apply online or visit us at our Career Center:

505 8th Avenue

New York, NY

(Entrance is on 35th street off of 8th Avenue)

*Dress code is business casual. No jeans or sneakers allowed.

From Consumerist: A Typical Day with HP Customer Service

God Bless Consumerist.

Although nothing major happens during this recorded call to HP's customer service line, it's somewhat comforting to know that it's not just you who gets the runaround.

Enjoy.

Nice-os Doesn't Have the Same Ring...

Gird your loins, people. I'm gonna post something positive.

Atlanta Bread Company...specifically the one in Clifton, NJ...you've melted a cold witch's heart.

BF and I were grabbing some lunch last Saturday at ABC. Because we both have the immune systems of a poorly-funded TB-ward, we had a lot of exceptions to our order:

Me: Balsamic Bleu Salad with Chicken, hold the tomatoes, dressing on the side.
Him: California panini without onions and sub Rosemary bread for onion panini.

Sold.

We get our food and sit down. I'm about to dive in (that'swhathesaid) and I see tomatoes. Ok, no biggie. I take them out and give them to BF.

He starts pulling out onions and we bemoan the poor service, but still maintain an even keel.

I'm halfway through my salad...why am I still hungry...wait - whereTF is my chicken?

BF chimes in with "yeah, this is still onion bread."

I channel my father and slam my napkin on the table, which falls to the floor, so really what was I proving by littering, and approach the counter.

"Hi, yeah, here's the receipt. The entire order is screwed up. He's allergic to onions and I'm not seeing any chicken in there." (Yeah, wearing the bitch hat.)

So I get the obligatory "sigh of frustration," which I think in the tri-state area is an official weather pattern.

And I expect nothing less than a side order of chicken added to my half eaten salad and a spare roll for BF. I'm not hopeful here. We ARE talking about customer service, right?

Well, I swear on Alec Baldwin's phone bill, they not only give us our money back, they give us both new entrees (that looked better than previous...and I saw them make it, no spittle in sight) AND escorted me to the table.

We're done, right?

No, because here comes Manager:

"Folks, I just wanted to stop by and apologize for the mix-up. I wouldn't blame you for not coming back, but I hope you do. We've just put things together here, so they're a little unorganized."

Sitting there, mid lettuce, I chew "thanks".

"Ok, well, you guys have a good day and hope to see you again!"

Ok...we're stunned. But wait, who's this?

Food prep guy: "hey, sorry about that. I screwed up. Hope you guys come back."

I choked on my complimentary bread. No really. I did. Crumb in windpipe.

Luckily, I recovered. They'd probably flog themselves if I choked to death.

So, bravo Atlanta Bread Company in Clifton, NJ. You guys took the Wrath out of me...

...That is, until I have to refill my meds at Duane Reade...

Duane Reade's Rigorous Entrance Exam

A little bird told me to visit DuaneReade.com and take a look at their online job application. I figured it might have a typo or some lame background question, but I never thought I would stumble upon the comic gold that lies before you.

This test is multiple choice only. Please take out your #2 Ticonderoga pencils and put your head down on the desk when you've completed. You must answer each question before going to the next (this is true, btw). Ready class?

Begin!

As a condition of employment, would you be willing to be screened for illegal drug use in the next 3 business days?

Are you willing to work with the general public?
(Sincerely love the fact they have to ask.)

Will you authorize us to conduct a criminal background check?
(This theme was brought up a few times in the exam. I get that this is standard for pretty much any job, but about 25% of the test was dedicated to your 'record'.)

Have you ever been fired due to attendance problems?
Should a person who's been caught using illegal drugs or alcohol at work be fired?
(Ah, the trick moral question.)

Can you operate a calculator?
(For those special moments when the f*in registers blow.)

Have you been convicted of any other crimes in the past 10 years?
Do not answer "Yes" if your conviction record has been annulled, expunged, pardoned, erased, impounded or sealed. *Note: The existence of a criminal history will not automatically disqualify you from the job you are applying for.
(See?)

Has your family received Food Stamps in the last 15 months?
(Now, to be fair, they said these types of questions were there for tax purposes only, but I'm wondering if it's legal to even ask this question? Any lawyers out there willing to illuminate?)

In the last 6 months, were you member of a low-income family?
(Your choices here were 'yes, no or I'm not sure.' Sorry DR, I've been there. If you're broke, you're sure.)

Do you find dealing with customers to be difficult?

Is it hard for you to be friendly and courteous if the customer is rude?

Is it acceptable to argue with a customer if you think they are wrong?

Would you say finishing a task is more important than stopping to help a customer?
(These are my favorite, since folks obviously don't answer these truthfully. Funny how the questions they ask make you wonder how many complaints they've received that would warrant a special place in a job questionnaire.)

Would you rather:
A. Always be pleasant to everyone
B. Have supervisors who know what they are doing
(Those are the options - be nice or have a competent boss?)

Would you rather:
A. Decide yourself how to do the details of your work
B. Work where you don't have to pretend to be polite
(I truly would shed tears if they pretended to be polite.)

Would you rather:
A. Work where there are frequent conflicts
B. Do fun and creative work with your mind
(Gee, are there frequent conflicts at DR? Rather than finding folks who are ok with dealing with the conflicts, how about FIXING THEM?!)

Would you rather:
A. Do quick and accurate work with your hands
B. Stay patient with equipment that breaks down
(See 'calculator'.)

Answer these yes/no:
You do some things that upset people
(Does eating cheetos at the cash register count?)

You don't act polite when you don't want to

Any trouble you have is your own fault

You are careful not to offend people

You have no big regrets about your past
(Gettin' a little personal there, Duane. And, what if your biggest regret was not shooting up a pharmacy chain?)

It bothers you when you have to obey a lot of rules

It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free (Another morality issue...personally, I was disappointed there was no 'roe v. wade' question here.)

You look back and feel bad about things you've done (Yes. Every moment of my life. It involves fire. Now, can you please give me a job where I can ignore customers, talk on my cell while 'working' a register and f*up pharmaceuticals? Thenkew.)

Pencils down!

Duane Reade: Missed Connections

Oh god, there are so many wrongs in this world, this can only make it right:

"my dog peed at duane reade. - w4m (Midtown East)"

---

Reply to: pers-313938772@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-17, 11:09PM EDT

My puppy peed all over the floor at duane reade. You were on the phone and laughed as i tried to cover it up. You made me smile...

Dear pers-313938772: You had us at dog pee.