Thursday, March 1, 2007

Are you F*&#ing Kidding Me?: New Jersey Transit

First in a series of special, inner monologue accounts that make us visibly turn plaid.

9:19pm Ok. Catching the 9:29. Ready to-waitaminute. Ugh. What is up with my stomach? Ugh, yeah I do NOT feel good. Need Tums or something...note to self - no eating chinese within 10 blocks of Penn Station.

Maybe I'll just run to the ladies before I go...godDAMN it smells like crotch in here. Abort.

9:28pm Alright. I just need to get on this train and in half an hour I can be home, take some mylanta and get into be-

ATTENTION PASSENGERS. PLEASE STAND BY FOR GATE ANNOUNCEMENT DUE TO AN EARLIER INCIDENT WITH ANOTHER TRAIN. WE ARE CURRENTLY WAITING FOR EQUIPMENT AND WILL ANNOUNCE YOUR GATE SHORTLY.

Awwww F!

Ok. I can do this.

9:45pm Alright. Track 15. Lessgo. I'd better sit near the bathroom, just in case.

9:46pm I immediately regret this decision.

9:48pm ATTENTION PASSENGERS: WE WILL BE MOVING SHORTLY. THE CREW IS ON ANOTHER TRACK AND ONCE THEY BOARD THE TRAIN WE WILL BE ON OUR WAY.

On another track? Really? Didn't they get the memo? We all heard it: Track 15. Ugh idiots.

9:52pm ATTENTION PASSENGERS: THE CREW IS NOW ON BOARD. ONCE THEY DO A BRAKE TEST, WE WILL BE MOVING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.

9:55pm Yeah yeah yeah off we go. Alright, hang in there. Eat another Tums and you'll feel better. Wait-why are we stopping. We're in the tunnel, so let's go. Oh, it must be one of those 'only one track is open' deals. Eh, happens all the time.

MRPHTENTION SCHMASSENGERS: WEEH FRILL NOCH BEEN NEKING DEE SCHREEVESHUCUS KUNJECTION DOO SCHRING WAKE. ZEE KOSTUMER SHERVIX MEMBER ISH FOO-UN-FUU-SHIX-EAT-TU-WUN-DOO-WUN-DOO.

Am I having a stroke? What the hell did he just say? Yeah buddy in front of me, I have no fucking idea. Oh good, here comes the conductor.

FOLKS, WE'RE NOT MAKING THE SECAUCUS CONNECTIONS TO SPRING LAKE. NO, SIR, I UNDERSTAND WE'RE ONLY FIVE FEET OUT OF PENN, WE CANNOT MOVE THE TRAIN BACK. NO SIR, I AM NOT HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE. SIR, WE WILL BE MOVING SHORTLY. FOLKS, IF YOU HAVE ANY COMPLAINTS, PLEASE CALL THE CUSTOMER SERVICE LINE.

Oh sweet and savory Jesus. Alright, well at least we're still stopping in Glen Ridge. You know, I'm still not feeling-ugh...I'd better just get it over with...is that a fucking Cup O'Noodles in the toilet?

Pass.

So, finally moving. Fine. Ok. Just make it to Glen Ridge. Five stops. Only five-

::click click::

::click::

What the fuck is that?

::click click click::

::click::

Oh for fuckssake -Sir are you cutting your toenails?!

~fin~

1 comment:

************************* said...

And I will now have to live with that Cup of Noodles image.

The douche clipping his toenails should be shot.