IHDR on Hiatus

Hey kids -

Sorry we haven't written in a long time. It's been a slow summer and there hasn't been a lot to write when it comes to the DR.

We'll be back when things get busy again - feel free to keep sending us your tales of woe and we'll collect them for the re-launch.

Thanks for everyone's patience. If you're truly desperate for snark and crappy writing, you can visit Wrathos's blog while you wait for the triumphant return of IHDR.

xo
The Four Bitches

Duane Reade Kills Harry Potter

Ok, maybe not.

But he DID allow a copy of the last Harry Potter book to be purchased by a lucky...er...muggle. I just burped shame.

From Gawker:

From the mailbag: "Just got the new Harry Potter book (for a friend...seriously) at the Duane Reade on Worth and Lafayette. I plucked it out of one of the opened boxes marked 'Do not open until July 21' and bought it with no hassle whatsoever. Embargoes are overrated."

Lookit Duane, trying to be all controversial. Whatever. That New York shit-cano that exploded last night should've been in front of a DR.

Great Moments in Other Blog Comments

Where we pull comments on the DR from other posts. Times are hard. Bitches need content.

From Curbed, regarding the phantom pooper, who's been terrorizing Boerum Hill of late:

The Brooklyn comment is silly. I once saw someone shitting against the side of a drug store in a "gentrified" neighborhood in Manhattan. The fecal remains stayed there for weeks, until we had a lot of rain. But come to think of it, it was Duane Reade, so they actually deserved it.

By Yinz at July 2, 2007 2:11 PM

We're all for the 'down with the DR' sentiment...but pooping?

ONLY if they run out of my zone bars.

Then I'm droppin' trou.

Introducing the Duane Reade Makeup Artist

I've removed the identifiers, but you know where to go if you'd like a makeup artist from Duane Reade...

Poor thing. She's probably really good at makeup, but the hex of the DR is upon her. Our advice: Don't include them on your resume. Stick to the less evil companies you worked for.

Wonder if she uses only Apartment 5...I'm partial to Lemon-Lime Fruit Shine...


**************************************************

Makeup Artist for Hire!

---

Reply to: [redacted]@yahoo.com
Date: 2007-07-16, 11:44PM EDT

[name redacted]
. .
NY, NY
mobile
email: [redacted]@yahoo.com

EXPERIENCE

Duane Reade, New York, N.Y
Cashier - 2004 - 2005

It's the few-cher!!! IHDR takes a chance on DRExpress.

Have you guys seen these thingys?



















WTF, right? Well, for clarity's sake, I'll tell you that it's a Duane Reade automatic prescription filler.

Apparently brought to you by Cialis. Thanks, Duane, but I'll keep my girly bits.

Here's how it works:

1 - You smirk at everyone in that god-awful pharmacy line, especially the exasperated woman who's trying to explain that Williams doesn't start with an "L."

2 - You take your prescription and put it face down on the scanner.

3 - Then the pharmacist-slash-1800Dentist-operator appears on the screen. LIVE!



Hi Honey.

4 - You chat with her, find out that she works at the Union Square branch and she's actually very nice.

5 - Then you do what most DR customers fear. You leave your prescription in the box next to the screen.

Seriously, you don't physically give your script to anyone.

You leave it in a box and hope and pray that you don't get pregnant because someone mistook the box for shipments of tainted Veggie Booty and threw it out.

6 - Chick on screen tells you how long to wait for your meds. I chose to leave and come back.

7 - You get a receipt.

A few hours later...

I come back to the DR and of course there's that damn pharmacy line. Today's entertainment is a cashier fighting with another cashier about who's taking break because she "sure as hell ain't doing pharmacy anymore."

Ya heard?

Finally get to the front, give them my name, and learn that you can't pick up your meds without the receipt.

Right. Sh*t. Ok. Back to the office to get my receipt, which I left in my purse.

Ok back. No line, thank god, when I get there and pay up.

But the questions here are:
- Is the DR Express really a faster way to get your prescription filled? You have to stand in a line one way or another.
- And what happens when you lose that receipt? Can you imagine that nightmare?
- And can I request a male operator, preferably wearing tight scrubs and a cowboy hat? Shut up, I had a thing for M*A*S*H.

Holy S* Someone Used Dr. Reade!!

A review posted on Yelp came in mixed, but at least we're getting a little sneak peek into the mysterious Duane Reade "Doctors" On Call.

Sounds like they're pushing OTC meds on top of whatever script they give you:

The doctor did a quick strep culture (negative), then wrote me a prescription for steroids to reduce the swelling and circled some things on his stupid list of over the counter recommendations such as Aleve, zinc lozenges, and halls, basically just different brand names of the stuff I bought last night. Then I paid $95 and crossed to the other side of the store to hand my prescription to the pharmacy less than 30 minutes after I walked in.

Interesting. Wonder how much of a bonus the doctors get if people buy the items on this magical "list."

Things At the DR For My Inner Beavis

This Just In from "TangyRumpRoast"...whose name is half the reason this got posted. Now for the other half:

"I was in the Duane Reade at Penn Station, buying twine [...], and as I was going to the cash registers I saw a woman out of the corner of my eye. Something weird caught my eye with her shoe, so I looked down. Something was white on the back of her shoes - looked like a design, I thought.

As I was headed toward the line, she was in front of me and I thought, maybe it's toilet paper. And I was about to say something, but by that point I stopped, b/c I saw some sort of frill on the edge of it and realized it was...

...the wing of a maxi pad, which curved up and gripped the heel of her shoe.

And no. I didn't say anything."

Heh..hehhehehhhehheheh....dumbass.

Our 100th Post!!

Thanks to everyone who visited and to those who wrote about us this year. They're listed in the blog roll, so visit them often!

We'd like to keep up the snark, so keep sending in your retail nightmares to svh2007 [at] gmail [dot] com.

In celebration, here's the post that put us on the (very tiny) map. Enjoy!

Duane Reade Stratego

Map It. Rock It.

Winick is a group that apparently specializes in Retail Real Estate.

So, naturally, they need someone to create fliers for their clients. Someone...who can ROCK THE DUANE READE PRESENTATION:

We are looking to hire immediately.

We are looking for an energetic, tech savvy, creative person, which can make cool maps and presentations for our clients.

Need to excel in all Microsoft and Adobe Programs on a windows platform

Before we set up an interview I would like the following:

Pick any store front in NY (see our flyers at http://www.winick.com/properties.htm )

Make your own flyer and make a competition map on Google maps so we can sell Duane Reade Drug store the site. Duane Reade will need to see all the competition (Duane Reade, Rite Aid, CVS, Walgreens, and super markets) with in the neighborhood.

Please email the completed map and flyer to XXXX@winick.com

Overheard in the DR: What Exactly is the Tampon Dance?

From Overheard in New York:


Biotech to friend: Stop doing the tampon dance and let's get out of here already.

--Duane Reade

Alcoholics, Chain-Smokers, and Addicts...NoPointsForYou!

You guys probably know this, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

According to Duane Reade's website, and I think the fine print on the receipt, you can't earn Dollar Reward points by purchasing the following:

• Alcohol
• Cigarettes
• Prescriptions
• Lottery Tickets
• Gift Cards
• Money Orders (didn't even know they had these...I'm picturing a napkin with a sharpie-drawn 'I Owe You')
• Pre-paid Phones
• Postage Stamps
• Phone Cards

So, in case you're buzzed, looking to refill your herpes cream while sending a self-stamped package of lottery tickets to Aunt Mildred, and talking on your pre-paid cell with Mom about the Applebee's gift card you want to get for Dad...you should probably pick up $100 worth of paper towels to get your coupon.

NJ State Fair: We Want You to P*ss Yourself

Something caught my eye while waiting at CVS for a prescription.

I was reading the local paper...having a massage...when I came across an ad for the New Jersey State Fair at the Meadowlands.

I'm all for getting folks' attention with witty catchphrases and cool visuals. But I was compelled to visit their website in order to share this with you guys:




This is actually from their downloadable brochure.

Pretty cut and dry. Dates of the fair, map of the midway, smiling kid.

Oh, but wtf is this...




BEST. SLOGAN. EVER.

Because when I think of State Fairs, I think "Gee, they're all pretty cookie cutter. Now if I could only find one to make me piss my pants...well, THAT would be SOMETHING!"

Cold Turkey: Day 15

I know, I know. I haven't kept you guys in the loop.

It's day 15 of my 'I hate Duane Reade so much that I have to boycott them for a while' hoo-daddy.

And I'm miserable.

Why? Because if I don't go, there's nothing to blog about!

Sure, I could dump a few links from YouTube, post a few notes about general customer treatment. But it's not the same.

So, back to the DR. I lasted 15 days. Think I owe someone a Coke.

This Just In: Coupons 101

Ah, the "coupon."

The consumer's best friend.

That is, until you try to redeem at the DR.

This just in from Susan B.:

I wanted to fight a parking ticket, so I needed pictures. I went to the
local DR to buy an instant camera, and after a quick calculation realized it would be cheaper to buy the free processing one. Which says, on the package, "Free 1 hour processing" and "coupon inside."

So yesterday, around 3, I dropped it off. The woman asked me if I'd be getting it that night, and I said first thing this morning. (DR's photo desk closes at 6 pm and reopens at 8.)

This morning, I slept in, so I didn't go to pick them up until 11. They weren't ready. The negatives were hanging there, but the photos had to be printed. I agreed to give the worker the "one second" she needed, and about 15 minutes later she had my prints ready (and the ones she'd taken care of while I stood there but before she started mine).
I was buying a diet coke, which she promptly rang up with the cost of the photos.

"The processing is free," I told her. "That coupon you were looking at? Says it's free."

"No," she told me, "That says free 1 hour."

"Yes," I replied, "Free prints with one hour processing."

"You have to pay for the prints," she said.

"Then what does free one hour processing mean?" I asked.

"That you get the one hour free."

"They weren't even ready in six hours," I replied.

At that point we both began studying the coupon, which said, "Free single set 4" x 6" prints. One hour processing." That should have convinced her,
right?

No. The small print said, "Free up to $7.49. If more than $7.49, $7.49 off."

"See," she said, "You only get them free if they're $7.49. Yours are $5.29." (I didn't shoot the whole roll, because I didn't think the parking ticket judges really needed 27 photos of the lack of signs on the block where I parked, and there were only so many filler pictures I could take in 48 hours.)

At that point I just looked at her, and she asked if I wanted the manager.
I said yes. He did arrive promptly, but she then said, "She says she gets
free prints, but her prints don't cost $7.49." He quickly figured out how
to, in fact, give me free prints with my free print coupon.

I left as the woman behind me was asking whether she got a discount because her 1 hour processing wasn't ready in an hour. Although I didn't stick around to
listen, it appeared that the manager was telling her no.

Anyone else have coupon nightmares? I'm sure there's times when the DR even confuses their own dollar rewards system.

Send us your story.

The I Hate Duane Reade RAP

Genius. PURE Genius. I'm in love.
Best part: "I might be hiding behind the Get Well Cards..."

Who knew the DR could be so romantic?

From YouTube.

Missed Connections: Hot, Bearded, and Interested

From Craigslist:

Duane Reade - u were lookin for gum? - m4m - 24 (Gramercy)

I was picking up some beer for tonight... you were strolling through the gum selection. You were hot, bearded, and interested, I think. We made eye contact at the register... when you came up right behind me, I chickened out. If you remember what kind of beer I was buying, I'll buy you a beer when we meet up.

This Just In: Craggy Finger

From Bulldog re: a recent ride on the glorious NJT.

A little off-topic, but hilarious in that 'funny but gross and goddamn don't let me get like that' sort of way:

I'm in a 4-seater (2 facing 2) sitting x from quite possibly the cutest old couple ever. He's holding their bag, and he gets all nice and settled and she goes, "Ok, now I want my bagel please." He's so damn cute. He yelled at her to give me some more room when I sat down.

I loved them UNTIL she puts down her book and pulls out the weapon of death from her crocheted bag...a nail file circa 1973, the kind with the extreme metal file that never bends or wears thin, and a plastic blue top on it. And she just goes at it. In fact, she's still going. She's doing it on her book for stability, and when the book cover fills up with enough white powder/nail dust, she sweeps it straight off.....onto my bare legs (thank you capri pants- of all the days!!). Then when she's done w/ a nail, she rubs it a few times on her polyester tan pants to ensure there are no snags. Really? I'm 2 inches away trying to eat my rice cakes and pb in peace while reading Bright Lights, Big Ass (hilarious, by the way)!

Oh god- she just finished and said to him, "Well that ought to save me some anyway. You know when they're too long they snag on everything and they rip off at a terrible angle."

Ew.

Only 3 Days Left for T-Shirt Submissions!

Awwwwww, sweat!

Keep those submissions coming, guys. Deadline for t-shirt ideas is June 30th.

WTF are we yapping about? Go back in time.

Why I Hate You: 9 year old Demon

It's late. It's 10:32 on a school night. I have a huge presentation tomorrow.

And I'm a lightweight and have had my one cider maximum.

Which is why I have no tolerance for the little 9 year old girl who's currently hopping back and forth and on and off the four seater of my train. Nor do I have tolerance for her parents, who instead of showing a spine, spend the next 25 minutes negotiating with her to come over and sit down properly.

Demon Child: "They know I'm with youuuuu, so I don't nneeeeed to sit with yoooouuuu-uh."

Loud Mom: but you have to bc we have your ticket!!!

DC: "Noooooo-uuuhhhh!!!"

LM to Dad: she's going to be like this for another hour. You talk to her.

Dad: cmon honey...do what mom says.

DC: "NOooooooOooooooooO-uhhhhhh!!!"

::Bounce up::
::Bounce on aisle seat::
::Bounce on window seat::
::Eat rat head::

But nothing prepared me for the final straw. Oh, no.

Dad's vinyl "Robin Leech Presents Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" hat.

I'm tired. Which is why I hate you: little 9 year old girl.
...and your Dad's poor sense of modern-day headwear.

Oooohhh...you're in trouuuuuubllllle!

Thanks SPF for sending this in -

According to ABC7, the American Medical Association wants an investigation into these new-fangled in-store clinics, which are all the rage these days.

Right, Duane?

American Medical Association officials say they want authorities to investigate whether quickie retail-based health clinics run by pharmacy chains pose conflicts of interest that put profits ahead of patient health. The nation's largest physicians' group on Monday adopted a resolution vowing to seek an investigation after several of their doctors complained that the clinics interfere with the traditional practice of medicine.

The AMA wants state and federal agencies to look into whether pharmacy chain-owned clinics located in the stores urge patients to get their prescriptions filled on site, which the AMA maintains would pose a conflict. It also said that insurance companies should be banned from waiving or lowering co-payments only for patients who get treatment at store-based clinics.

This should be fun.

Has anyone tried the DR Free Clinic?

Ok, better yet: Does anyone want to admit they've gone to the DR Free Clinic?

Cold Turkey: Day One

Damn you, Duane.

The weekend was easy-peasy. Since I'm a BnT girl, I don't have the DR temptation out in Jersey.

However, I woke up this morning thinking about my frappy and then realized "oh shit. I can't go there anymore."

No problem. I will go to Starbucks. They have the little canned frappies and they're catty-corner from my office.



Goddamnit.

Alright, it's Monday. I should've expected a long line. No problem, frappy's on the way.

They're out. They only have strawberry. And while I love the sensation of sweaters on my teeth, I think I'll pass. So, I get an iced-grande-soy-chai.

$4.77 later, my wallet limps.

This is going to be tougher than I thought.

Time added to commute: 10min

Substitute for the DR: Starbucks

Going Cold Turkey

As I've noted before: Although we blog about the horrors of Duane Reade, we're total hypocrites and shop there pretty regularly. We call it "research."

Considering the latest round of verbal fistfights I've found myself in, b/c of a lack of line coordination at the DR, I have to quit going there. This morning I told a woman to wipe her mouth with the toilet paper she was holding b/c there was so much shit coming out of it.

Seriously, this place brings out the worst in everyone.

So I have to leave you, Duane.

Not hard, right? Stop whining, Wrathos, this isn't a big deal.

I hear ya, but...

Typically, I go in there with my dollar rewards card and get myself a Zone Bar and a Starbucks Frappuccino thingy. Almost every day, in fact. So now I have to map out another place to get these two things.

And I'm lazy.

The DR is rightnextdoor to my office. Literally. It's like, sneeze and you're hitting Photo Guy.

So, in commuter terms, this is a big deal.

The closest non-DR pharmacy is a few blocks out of my normal commute. So, I'll have to head too far downtown and then go back uptown to work.

And I'm lazy.

As far as prescriptions go...this'll be tricky. I may have to enlist fellow IHDR help to pick up my meds already on file. You know how DR pharmacy is when it comes to transferring your scripts.

Did I mention I'm lazy. Really lazy.

Wanna take bets on how long I last? I say I can do it for 30 days. Cold Turkey.

Any takers?

It's Summertime - Time to Get Smoove...DR Style!

There are many alarming things about this photo:

1. This product is a DR Brand No-Heat, All Natural Hair Removal System.

2. It's for sale on Ebay for a Buy It Now price of $5.75...shipping $5.50.



And 3. It's a 36 piece kit.

I'm Greek. My chin hair can give Robin Williams' arms a run for their money.

I'm just saying, it goes against the laws of nature to use a 36 piece kit to modify ANYTHING on your body.

Yeah, think I'll pass on trusting the ol' bikini line to the all-natural ingredients the DR has to offer. Maybe they'll offer a gift set with some Triple-Lanolin Mango Vera.

The Mystery of Duane Reade

Been meaning to share this article with you guys for a while now from New York Magazine called "The Mystery of Duane Reade."

Before you run off to read it, keep in mind this quote:

The company understands two important things: New Yorkers are uniquely harried shoppers, and the whole ball game comes down to real estate. Duane Reade has used its skill at that quintessential New York blood sport to cut rents by shoehorning its stores into bizarre locations other chains wouldn’t touch. And it’s kept New Yorkers coming back by knowing us better than we’d like to think: For all our bluster about good design, organic foods, and attentive service, we’ll take our Band-Aids and trash bags where we can get them.

Damn. Nailed us.

PS: Enter our t-shirt contest, suckas.

SPOTTED: Scrub Marketing

Our dear friend AB just informed us that there is some major DR guerrilla marketing happening at the 86th / Lex subway stop.

Apparently, a man in scrubs was handing out fliers, encouraging folks to use Duane Reade's free medical services.

Alright IHDR-ers. I need a flyer STAT! Who's got one? Who's seen the out of work actor looking to make a buck?

Let us know!

IHDR T-Shirt Contest!

An overwhelming majority of (drumroll please) FIFTY-people would buy a shirt. Eight people don't wear clothes. Might I suggest a DR brand tube sock?

Anyway.

We could just put "ihateduanereade.com" on a t-shirt, but that wouldn't be fun. So we're putting the call out for t-shirt design submissions and the winning shirt will be made and sold here for a pretty cheap price.

Here are the rules:

1. Send a jpeg, or something similar, of your design to us.

2. The design should incorporate the website name. Obv.

3. To avoid many lawsuits, please do not use the Duane Reade logo...though manipulating it somehow should be fine and frankly more fun.

4. Slogans are welcome, like "IHDR: Pissing off pharmaceutical monopolies since March 2007" or "Want me to ring you up? Hang on while I finish my Cheetos." or whatever you like.

5. You guys will all vote and pick a winner sometime within the next few weeks. In addition to the 'yay hooray' you'll get online, we'll send you a $25 gift certificate to CVS. I mean, it's not like you want a DR gift cert, right?

Ok that's it. Questions? Post it in comments and we'll answer them.

Go forth and dee-sign!

UPDATE: Sorry, forgot a deadline - let's say June 30.

Missed Connections: DR Gets Romantic

Duane Reade hottie in a suit, buying smokes - m4m

---

Reply to: pers-351475641@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-13, 4:22PM EDT


Yeah, Oscar is misunderstood. Let's get a drink, you're adorable. Hit me back with which Duane Reade and what we were talking about.


from Craigslist...

This Just In: The Cooler

Ladies and Gentleman - Think we found our t-shirt slogan, courtesy of the DR on E. 51st.

"The cooler is out of service. Please don't touch it. "



Thanks, Eden for sending this over!

UPDATE: Yeah. I suck. It should read "Ladies and Gentlemen." Oh the irony!

Why I Hate You: Executive CU Next Tuesday

Hi Guys - I need to vent. Can I pull up a chair?

Scene: 8am at the DR. I need my coffee and these days it's in the form of a Starbucks Frappuccino. You know, this kind?

There's a line snaking down the cereal aisle, as usual, because there is only one register open.
In my defense I tried the 'buy it at the pharmacy' trick, but there was a long line there as well.

So I brave the line and set myself behind a squat, sunglass-indoors-wearing, business woman with a shopping carriage. Full carriage, not the hand-held kind.

I wonder immediately what's in there, because no one in a business suit buys their groceries at Duane Reade. Yell all you want, but you know I'm right.

I also think, briefly: Oh, she's probably got snacks for an office party or something. So I sneak a peek.

In her cart. There are. One bag of pretzels. And one single serving size of Special K.

Blood starts to simmer. Granted, she could have a shoulder injury or weak wrists or some shit, but at the point I start to rationalize why this woman would create the school play version of a clogged artery in my Duane Reade with her goddamn cart...she sighs that "I don't have time for this because I'm important" sigh.

Blood boil has hit 'rattle.' But I take a breath because this is just a small part of my day. If I remain calm, a cold frappuccino is waiting for me.

Oh but no. Now, we have what I call "the Y". "The Y" is the dual-pronged line that forms when folks in the main cash area don't realize that there's a line straight down the aisle and therefore form their own line off to the side.

Shopping Carriage heaves another sigh and loudly proclaims: "Excuse me, the line is back here!" Ok, the Y people mumble some apologies and head behind me. I try to smile in the "You know she's crazy, but let's just get through this" manner, but they're not reading me.

Hallelujah! A second line opens! Alright, people, let's make some decisions here!

Here's where it gets ugly. Shopping carriage continues straight to the 1st line, while no one is approaching the 2nd register, wayyyy over on the opposite side of the cashier area. It's pretty obvious her ass ain't moving any time soon.

So I ask her: "Ma'am? Would you mind if I go over to that other register and start a new line?"

Her response: "I don't care."

Me: "Well, I'm asking you."

She: "I don't make the rules."

Me, holding in my wrath: "Ok." And I shuffle off to the open register.

And I hear: "You're supposed to let the the next person in line go next!"

ohnoshedidn't.

Me: "I just asked you if it was ok?!"

She: "Whatever."

Now I'm pissed. I reply: "Well, I'm really sorry. Looks like you've got a lot to carry there. How's it going, by the way? It must be tough for you...managing your cart filled with absolutely NOTHING?!"

::Blank Stare::

So I get to the register, all proud of myself, and here comes Shopping Cart! She's making her way to MY LINE, even though she's next to be rung up at her register. What in blue fuck is wrong with her?

Naturally, like any mature 32 year old, I take as long as humanely possible to complete my transaction. Oh, would I want to add a pack of gum to my total? Hmm....which flavor....Oh and I think I have exact change! Let me....take....a....look....Nope, you go ahead. Oh, I think I have my club card...let'ssssssss....seeeee.......

And after I hear a big sigh from Shopping Cart, I slowly turn around, shine my shiniest smile and wish her a wonderful Tuesday.

Damn hog.

Lay off my Parfum de Coeur, muthaf*er!!

Found this in the Daily News Police Blotter. In no way do we condone this type of behavior, but we're just wondering what kind of night this dude was prepping for:

* A thief was arrested for swiping several personal-hygiene products and threatening a worker with a sharp object in a Duane Reade drugstore in Union Square, authorities said yesterday.

A worker spotted Jamison Abramson, 27, removing the products, including lotions and body spray, from shelves inside the store on Third Avenue at East 14th Street at about noon on May 30, cops said.

When the employee confronted him, Abramson allegedly brandished the weapon and said, "I'll stab you," before fleeing.

The next day, cops tracked down Abramson, who was charged with robbery and criminal possession of stolen property, according to the Manhattan District Attorney's Office.

25 Bonus Points to Make Up for That Lost Prescription

Just got back from the DR.

Shut up, my CVS doesn't carry liquid B12, so I had to suck it up and visit Dr. Reade.

Anyway, I got my prescription and found a new game:



For those who can't see the text, it says (grammar errors and crappy marketing, theirs):

In a hurry?
Did we promise you a time for pickup today?
Did we keep our promise?

FREE

One Time, 25 bonus points awarded to your Dollar Rewards Account...

Just for taking a 1 minute customer satisfaction survey. It's easy it's fast and you reap the rewards!!

Call 1-800-680-5576

Don't wait! Call before time runs out!

Thank you, Jack Bauer.

So you know Attic Gloves and I had to make the call. No verbatim this time, but it went a little something like this:

Welcome to Doo-wayne Reade (and this annoys me...it's Duane, not Doo-wayne...Jim on "The Office" does this with the name Dwight -"Doo-wight"- and although I heart him, I hate that he does it) blah blah blah welcomey survey stuff.

Please enter the code on your filled prescription sticker.

...which, sorry guys, is how they tag you so you don't repeat and get more free points.

Please answer the following questions using your touch tone phone.

When you dropped off your prescription, did you wait at the store (press 1) or left the store to pick up later (press 2)?

We press 2.

When you picked up your prescription, how long did you wait in line? For less than 5 minutes, press 1. For 6-10 minutes, press 2. For more than 10 minutes, press 3.

We press 3, and really did you expect anything less? Personally, I was hoping for the 'for more than 45 minutes with $50 worth of soyjoys in your hand, which you purchased out of boredom, press 22' option.

Are you likely to recommend this location to a friend [::snort::]? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

We press 2.

Then they go on to say how "there may have been a breakdown" (yes, "breakdown") in our prescription filling process, would you like to speak to someone in our pharmacy department? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

Yeah, we couldn't do it. It's 4p on a Friday. There's only enough strength left to go downtown for happy hour and cheese. Pressed 2.

Are you a Dollar Rewards member? Yes 1, No 2.

Yes.

So then they ask us to put in the rewards number and we get 25 free points for pushing buttons and being disgruntled.

Considering I will have to purchase another $75 worth of merchandise to get my $5 coupon and that I had to put up with their usual BS (like the cashier looking under B for about 3 minutes until I reminded her that Wrathos starts with another letter), it didn't seem like a decent comp. But sure as shit, I took it.

The DR is sure making some changes around those parts - 25 points at a time! So, if you have a Rewards Club and a prescription handy, be dialin'! And let us know if anything fun happens...

DR in the News

Morning, ya'll. Metro had a little article on the DR this morning.

Seems they've figured out a way to help manage the congestion issue. On the surface it sounds great, I'm just wondering how they envision a trucks-only lane in the city.

And 4.5 hours per delivery? Something tells me it's not just traffic - that's a crap load of time! Though it may explain why we trip over crates in the feminine hygiene aisle.

“Our trucks travel 450,000 miles a year with an average round trip of 14 miles,” said Duane Reade senior vice president and CFO John Henry. “The average delivery time per store is 4.5 hours per trip.”

Addressing a conference on freight traffic held here yesterday, Henry added: “I think the statistics speak for themselves. We have a substantial crisis on our hands.”

By 2030, the city’s population is expected to grow by 1 million, and the region is expected to have an additional 4 million residents, which means a lot more goods will be hitting the roads. According to the Federal Highway Administration, the volume of cargo coming and going from the metro region will increase by 99 percent between 2002 and 2035.

Because “commercial traffic meets with commuter traffic at a limited number of access points,” Henry believes, “we need to expand deliveries into and out the city all 24 hours a day.”

Henry said that would reduce delivery times, pollution and hazards that occur during rush hours. Though he wouldn’t comment on the Bloomberg administration’s congestion pricing plan, he said he supported incentives rather than penalties to reduce traffic. For example, a truck-only lane for off-peak hours could speed up deliveries.

For the whole article, go here.

I Heart CVS

It's not perfect, but it's got a massage chair, honey!

No seriously. My local CVS has a massage chair built into the pharmacy waiting area. And it's gooooooooooood.

Can we get one of those at the DR? Please?!

If you do, then maybe, maaaybe I'll forgive you for the cashier hitting on the chick in line this morning, commenting that her perfume was so potent she made him want to quote: "get on her."

PS: Why is it called CVS? What do the initials stand for? Crunchy Value Snack? Citrus V8 SunnyD? Customer Very Stabbed?

This Just In: Aw, C'mon Photo Guy!

From the ol' mailbox, Anne writes:

Our HONEYMOON pictures (2 rolls) were left in to be developed at the 19th & 7th avenue location one sunny Saturday afternoon. One week later I go to collect them but no-go. So another week later and another week later I go, each time it’s like rocket science going through when I left in the film etc etc…like I would believe some employee sorts through & organizes the photos by drop-off date…NOPE, DR lost my photos.

Perhaps related - apparantly, they've stopped using Kodak's pick-up service and have opted for a presumable cheaper outsourced option which Kodak say they've had numerous issues with. Anyway, somewhere along the process of the bag getting picked up and being dropped of at the Kodak facility they've lost these precious pics…Do I have recourse I wonder ??

So I call the store looking for the name of the manager and NO-ONE can tell me !! I couldn't believe it. & I call their headquarters and the girl gives me the wrong address for their head-office/customer relations. Really interested to see what their response is like and how long it takes to get one!

Hey Anne - Wanna try 866-375-6925? That's the customer service number they've plastered all over their pledge campaign. Maybe this time it won't go to voicemail. Keep us posted, ok?

Remember, It's Called I Hate Duane Reade

Feel free to check out the comments section for some really passionate folks who are pissed off that we have a blog to vent our feelings.

Yikes. Seriously, folks. Yikes.

But let me take a second before I post today to answer a couple of questions:

1. Yes, we have lives. Barely, but they're there.

2. We each have full time jobs and some have worked out of some really crappy situations to get them.

3. Some of us still shop Duane Reade out of convenience. Hypocritical? Yep. Do we still despise going there? Yep. It's what the shrink calls 'an abusive relationship'.

4. We've each had really good experiences at Duane Reade. But what fun is it to blog about how helpful the clerk was when you can't find the starch spray?

5. Honestly, guys. It's just a blog. You don't have to read it. We won't shut off the comments, because just as we're entitled to our opinions, you're entitled to yours. It's the first amendment and it's pretty cool we have it.

There. Never to be addressed again. Thanks for the full Inbox of support, guys and on with the show!

- Wrathos

So sleepy...

I know I’ve been gone for ages, leaving Wrathos to pick up the slack, and I only have a moment to spare this morning. I’ll be back with more soon, though, including some international comparison shopping and more in the continuing series “Douchebags at the Movies.” For the moment, I’ve got this little gem:

Walked into DR this morning to pick up a fresh pair of stockings (Thanks for pointing out the run in the back helpful stranger on the N train! I really did appreciate you letting me know, but did you really not expect me to curse when I noticed it?). One of the cashiers was taking a nap. At her register. I mean her head was literally on the cash register. I’m guessing she wasn’t dead or injured, because her fellow employees were showing her just about as much concern as they show me when I ask where to find Q-Tips.

In all fairness, the other cashier was quick and courteous and got me in and out in record time. Of course on my way out, I had to walk past her colleague who was sleeping on her feet like a horse at a glue factory, which begs the question, why are there two cashiers on at 7:30 in the morning when nobody is in the place, and only one at 5:00 when there are no less than 600 people in line? I guess technically there was only one person working, but still. Why even bother to schedule someone to stand behind the counter?

This Just In: BYOKey

Josh, who writes a new blog called palaverist.org (and another, soon to be my personal fave: [this is not a sentence]) sent in this nightmare nugget:

My own story of hate is about the Duane Reade around the corner from my office, where I actually watched a woman [ed. - cashier, I'm assuming] assess the line forming by the pharmacy, ostentatiously lock the door to the pharmacy, and then tell all the customers standing there that there was no way she could give anyone their medicine because the pharmacy was locked.

Too crowded, ya'll. Unless you have Cheetos, I'm not opening shit.

Speaking of pharmacies...has anyone visited the Duane Reade doctor yet? I'm licking taxi floors just to get sick enough for a visit.

Dr. Reade is available at these locations:
• 1627 Broadway at 50th Street
• 2589 Broadway at 97th Street
• 125 East 86th Street at Lexington Avenue

Go forth and contract TB, people!

From Our Comments Section

Almost missed this - submitted by Anonymous:

http://duanereadebagssuck.com/

Indeed.

Martha Plimpton, New York Mag, and the DR

It would've made our day just to know that Martha Plimpton shares our hate of the DR. I mean, c'mon, she totally got to make out with pre-Lake House* Keanu in Parenthood. When he was all bad-ass and drove race cars and she was all preggers and 'I love you Todd' and he was all 'excellent' because really, who can't think of Keanu without thinking 'excellent.'

I digress.

We were certainly not prepared for the write up in NYmag.com's Daily Intelligencer.

Rock it, bad selves.

So now we know that Martha Plimpton hates Duane Reade. She's not the only one, of course, and, as it turns out, there's now a blog — why wouldn't there be a blog? — devoted to chronicling the horrors of the drugstore chain that's eating New York. I Hate Duane Reade launched in February and encourages reader to share their tales of woe. The first post meditated on the one-line-or-several debate; since then the site has included "Overheard in DR" posts ("Teenage girl shaking her fist: 'Fuck you Duane Reade! Gah!' –76th & Broadway"), numerous pharmacy horror stories, and April's sort of genius taxonomy of your standard Duane Reade employees. (A sample: "Photo Guy — He's there. He's just standing there. He knows you want him to say 'cash only' and invite you up. Nope. He's photo guy. Don't mess.") "After way too many bar sessions filled with rants about customer service, specifically the DR," the founders wrote on the site, "we decided to vent our frustrations in prose … and sometimes haiku." Here's a try: Martha Plimpton stews / While filling a prescription / "You have a Club Card?"

Rock.

It.

*a film never to see the light of day en casa de wrathos.

Paging Dr. Reade...

HOLY Hell, people.

Duane Reade is putting doctors on-site for folks who don't want to wait around at the emergency room.

On one side, I could see the benefits. Especially for lady issues.

On the other, can you imagine the crack den this is going to create?! It's gonna turn the DR into a TB ward!

From NY1:

May 24, 2007

Duane Reade customers can now not only pick up their prescriptions, but also see a doctor.

The city's largest drug store chain announced Thursday that it has partnered with Consumer Health Services to launch DR Walk-In Medical Care. The partnership will allow people to have access to a doctor's treatment for minor medical conditions without waiting for an appointment or spending hours in the Emergency Room.

New Yorkers NY1 spoke to say they like the idea.

"I would use it,” said one local resident. “There's a Duane Reade practically around any neighborhood."

"I most definitely would try it," said another.

"If I had reason to use it, I'd be glad to use it,” said a third. “I think it's very good; they should have had it a long time ago."

The doctors can also provide health screenings, tests, and vaccinations. All commercial insurance is accepted.

Currently the on-site doctors are at three Duane Reade locations in Manhattan: 50th Street and Broadway, 97th Street and Broadway, and 86th Street and Lexington Avenue.

More locations are expected to open throughout the year.

This can't be safe. They can barely FIND your prescription and now they ask you to put your life in their hands?!

I can't. E-V-E-N.

I Call BullSh*t: Update #2

The pledge is ON, people!

Here's Duane pledgin' at the subway stop:



And here he goes pledgin' up the bus stop:



What's that number about? Dare me to call them? I'm calling...no really, watch guys, watch!

Shhhhh....:chortle:...guys, c'mon quit playin! ooh-wait, it's ringing!

RING RING

Automated voice. Figures.
Press 1 for English...

*Pressed 1*

Press 1 for Location, store hours, etc.
Press 2 for Dollar Rewards
Press 3 for I forget I was typing too much
Press 4 for Dollar Rewards Bonus Points Program
Press 5 for another Dollar Rewards Thingy
Press 0 for assistance or wait on the line.

*I wait.*

If you are experiencing a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.

*Am I going to hell because I laughed?*

Extension Zero...Zero...Zero...One is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

YES!!!! BRILLIANT!

I was totally expecting some lame back and forth about what to do if my prescription didn't get filled on time, but Duane Reade, you surpassed my wildest expectations.

I thank you, Duane. Truly, you are beautiful.

I Call BullSh*t: Update

G. sent in this pic of one of the buses with Duane Reade's new "pledge."

"We Pledge To: Ensure you receive your prescription when you need it. Every time."

Tell that to my anemia next time you run out of B12...or more importantly, when I need my birth control refilled for vacation and you didn't get to it today.

Los bastardos.

I Call BullSh*t

::chortle::
Was it something we said?

It seems that Duane Reade has created a new ad campaign focused on some "pledges" they'd like to make their customers.

The one big banner I saw on a NJT bus proclaimed "We promise to deliver your prescription on time."

And here's something I found this morning near the vitamins:



BWAHHHAAAA! C'mon Duane, have you sent that memo to your employees? BTW, I'm so tempted to refill a script here, just to call Wesam and give a piece of my mind.

Now, I'm delusional about a lot of things:
- looking good in leggings
- my memory loss is not from college pot
- and that Aki Sushi really gets a fresh tuna delivery every day.

So, I'll continue the trend and think that WE had a little something to do with the DR's new call to action.

That said: has anyone else seen these ads? Got pics? Are there other "pledges" in the series? (Personally, I'm hoping for: "We promise not to eat Cheetos while operating a cash register.")

Diary of a Commuter Strike

I'm 32, so there's no hippie history, no protest experience, no free-wheelin' parents (they're 70ish and ultra-conservative) who instilled sticking it to THE MAN.

And yet, I find myself organizing a full-blown commuter strike against a local bus company.

This really doesn't fit in with the IHDR sentiment, but I felt compelled to share the experience with you...whether we succeed or fail.

How did this start?

Ok. There's a local online community called Baristanet and it's a really well done, frequently updated, fyi on what's up in our area.

Every time there's an article concerning DeCamp Bus Company, the comments section blows up. People share nightmare experiences (sound familiar), damn the company to a fiery death, describe the pains of a daily commute.

Examples are here, here and here.

Being Greek, I can't shut up.

"So, why don't we strike?"

Well, folks got fired up. T-shirts were brainstormed, date chosen, guerrilla marketing plotted. Wow. Uh, what did I start?

Mom always said "follow through" (so did Coach Poppy when I couldn't get a consistent foul shot). So that's what I've been doing.

Last night I was on every NJ chat room I could find. Ugh, the spam I'm going to get.

I take DeCamp maaaaybe once a month. When I'm desperate (read: drunkenly miss the train home). I purposely avoid the damn thing, even though I could jump from my balcony to the train stop.

So now I'm a Norma Rae vs. DeCamp. And we'll probably get 3 people to boycott and no one will sign the petition. But, I can't help hope that we get their attention and they finally ban abusive bus drivers or keep to the schedule they've assigned. Big dreams, people. Big dreams.

For more info on the strike, click here.

For the petition (if you'd like to sign in solidarity), here.

More on the DR next post.

Line It Up

I posted about this subject during the first week of this blog, but the concept still perplexes me.

I was at DR yesterday (where I got my $5 coupon - ssscore!) and immediately became uncomfortable when I saw that the line was snaking down the cereal aisle.

So I purposely took my time getting my bottled water, zone bar, coffee drink....line's still long....plastic forks, trial size purell....jesus, is it even moving...hair ties, another zone bar...alright that's it.

Yeah, the line was unusually long. Even for a Monday morning. Being a dedicated blogger (read: I stir shit up), I marched to the front to survey the hold-up.

I would love to share with you some LOLOldPeople story about how some poor woman was trying to pay with pennies and wooden nickels. Or that we were waiting on change from the manager, who no doubt was 'on a break'.

No my friends. What I witnessed was one long ass line...and two open registers.
Nothing gets me more fired up than stubborn ass people unwilling to take that (life-changing!) risk of forming two separate lines. To DR's credit, there are signs clearly stating "please form a single line at each register." But between lazy customers and aloof cashiers, there's no chance.

So obnoxious Wrathos inquires:"Are you guys in one line or two (stating the obvious, but I refused to believe these idiots were wrecking their chances of getting out of this hell hole faster)?"

No response.

"Because, the sign says you can form two lines..."

Nothing.

So, I sheep over to the back of the line and lemming in line for another 40 cattle minutes.

Here's the question:
Which do you prefer? One line or multiple lines? Statistically speaking, which makes more sense? Is there something you guys know that I don't???

Leave your answer in "Comments," because I'm truly curious.

The Post Office is a Magical Place...

Introducing the comic stylings of the Madison Square Post Office Greeter...

THIS GUY WAS AWESOME.

I know, you can't really see him and I suck at photoshop. Whatever. It's a dude and he was awesome. Now we're caught up.

His job is to prevent riots and postal drama like this. You walk in and the guy's holding court, cracking jokes, answering questions, and my favorite: making fun of the elderly.

"There is no running in the post office. Unless you're a senior citizen. We want you guys to stretch out the legs and work on your lung capacity."

I'm not shitting you.

"If you're a senior and you complain about the rising cost of stamps, let me remind you of your discount on subways, buses and IHOP."

I'm still not shitting you.

"Seniors, you continue to complain, I'm sending you to the back of the line."

Ahhh, I love this guy. Clearly he's ageist, and he's been assigned to customer service within an institution that is most traveled by folks on a fixed income.

Irony: There were no seniors on line. Truly. Median age was about 35.

OneBlogADay.com

While us girls recover from some major workload issues, check out the interview on OneBlogADay.com. It's a pretty cool site that features...uh yeah...one blog. A day.

We'll be back soon. Stupid paycheck needs.

A More Favorable Signal

For the past couple of days, we have been delayed a few minutes on the NJTransit train.

Usually the conductor announces over the P.A.:

Ladies and gentlemen, we're currently being held at a stop signal, once we receive a more favorable signal, we'll be on our way.

This gave me pause.

"A more favorable signal."

Ok, fair enough. And eloquent, I might add.

But, here's where I'm confused: What are the favorable choices, besides Green?

Are there more options? Is there a new system of lights, sounds, pictures and phrases to help us get over the Passaic?

One can only guess...so I did.

Favorable signals:

• Green
• Yellow
• Taupe
• Hello gorgeous!
• Nice weather we're having...
• Did you lose weight?
• No nukes
• ::big thumbs up::
• ::bucket of wings::
• Get a move on, tubs.
  
• Pass the dutchie on the left hand side.
  
• ::theme from Bonanza::
• Can-can girls
• Picture of cartoon train wearing running shoes
• ::whip crackle::
• Zepplin laser light show
• Guiliani

Aisle by Aisle: Cosmetics

Nothing says organization and style like the Duane Reade Cosmetic aisle.

Won't you join me, as I take us on an epic(ish) journey through this magical row?

As you walk down the aisle you may notice that Duane Reade is the height of sophistication. They need not finish stocking the products. The cardboard boxes and gray packing crates tell you they are a quality, efficient drugstore and they want to show how abundant your choices are.

And if you're fortunate enough to be looking for a specific item not on shelves, you might be invited to search through them by harried stock persons saddled with cell phone calls.

Duane Reade wants you to know that they mean business when giving their customers a choice. Like the overflow of emery boards, spilling in plentiful piles across the floor. Or the surplus of Triple Lanolin Mango Vera Cream. It brings a tear to the eye.

And, by stocking every makeup variation from Allmay to Allmaybenot, the DR shows they know their customers and aren't afraid of stocking that Hooker Red Wet N' Wild Lip Schmear you might be possessed to purchase after a few cocktails at the Port Authority's toothless karaoke lounge.

In addition, Mr. Reade has given you an opportunity to select quality last minute gifts from their counter. Perhaps a $79.99 Casio fabric-strapped watch for your nearest and dearest? Or what about some plastic jewelry or Parfum de Coeur? I mean, c'mon - it's 50% off with your club card!!

From hot iPod accessories to sample face masks to velcro rollers, the Duane Reade cosmetic aisle is an experience not to be missed.

Any items from the Cosmetic aisle you'd like to highlight? Tell us!

Overheard in the DR

From Overheard In New York:

Guy: I don't need a bag, thanks.
Store lady: You're going to carry that in your hand?
Guy: Yeah.
Store lady: That's fine with me. I love customers who don't want bags.
Guy: Why waste them, right?
Store lady: Yeah. People need to recycle. They keep cutting down more and more trees for these bags.
Guy: ...Yeah.
Store lady: Plastic bags are made out of trees, right?
Guy: ...Well, no...
Store lady: Oh, I think it's paper bags that are made out of trees.

--Duane Reade, 22nd & Park

Aw C'MON Atlanta Bread Company!

You'll remember from this post how nicey-nice I was to Atlanta Bread Company b/c they'd admitted a screw up and were happy to make amends.

Went there again this weekend. Two sandwiches. Both require cheese. Cheese is my life's blood. I would live on grilled cheese sandwiches if I wouldn't then have to use a pulley system to get to/from work.

Anyway, yeah, no cheese. Not even 'wrong cheese'. Not even 'half-assed attempt at cheese'. Goddammit. Where's my CHEESE?!

Atlanta Bread Company is now on my sh*t list.

I'm misty-eyed. Words are failing me. So I'll let this dummy take a crack at it:

Looking for a job? You must be smiling, cheerful, dependable...at least during the interview.

Cashier/Stock Associates

---

Company: Duane Reade, Inc.
Location: Various Stores
Status: Full Time or Part Time
Experience:
Salary:
Posted Date: 4/9/2007

Job Description:
Cashier/Stock

What We Do:

Duane Reade, New York's number one drug store chain, has the largest market share of any chain drug store in the New York Metropolitan area. We are recognized in this market as the consumer’s first choice for pharmacy and convenience needs including health and beauty care items, cosmetics, gift cards, vitamins and grocery items.

Convenient locations in NYC's five boroughs, Long Island, Westchester and New Jersey, flexible schedules that fit your lifestyle and promotions from within are just a few of the benefits we offer. If you are looking for a great career in retail, we welcome you to explore the many opportunities we have at Duane Reade; a Company where an exciting career is in your future!

Qualifications:

• High school diploma or equivalency.
• Must be eighteen years of age.
• A smiling face and upbeat attitude.
• The drive to see opportunity and go get it!
• Dependable and trustworthy.
• Passion and a sense of urgency to take care of the customer.
• Basic leadership skills.
• Ability to learn quickly and follow basic instruction.

Responsibilities:

• Ensure a fast, accurate and pleasant check-out of all customers.
• Provide exemplary customer service.
• Deter shop-lifting following Company standards.
• Follow basic instruction from store managers and assistant managers.
• Unload trucks in compliance with Company standards.
• Comply with the company uniform policy.
• Conduct price audits using the scanner gun.
• Ensure as many customers as possible are enrolled in the Dollar Rewards loyalty card program.
• Be a team player and provide a helping hand to all associates.
• Work safely and efficiently building displays and stocking shelves.
• Treat all associates with respect and dignity.
• Bring the right attitude to work everyday and ensure all customers leave the store happy!

Click on link below and apply online or visit us at our Career Center:

505 8th Avenue

New York, NY

(Entrance is on 35th street off of 8th Avenue)

*Dress code is business casual. No jeans or sneakers allowed.

From Consumerist: A Typical Day with HP Customer Service

God Bless Consumerist.

Although nothing major happens during this recorded call to HP's customer service line, it's somewhat comforting to know that it's not just you who gets the runaround.

Enjoy.

Nice-os Doesn't Have the Same Ring...

Gird your loins, people. I'm gonna post something positive.

Atlanta Bread Company...specifically the one in Clifton, NJ...you've melted a cold witch's heart.

BF and I were grabbing some lunch last Saturday at ABC. Because we both have the immune systems of a poorly-funded TB-ward, we had a lot of exceptions to our order:

Me: Balsamic Bleu Salad with Chicken, hold the tomatoes, dressing on the side.
Him: California panini without onions and sub Rosemary bread for onion panini.

Sold.

We get our food and sit down. I'm about to dive in (that'swhathesaid) and I see tomatoes. Ok, no biggie. I take them out and give them to BF.

He starts pulling out onions and we bemoan the poor service, but still maintain an even keel.

I'm halfway through my salad...why am I still hungry...wait - whereTF is my chicken?

BF chimes in with "yeah, this is still onion bread."

I channel my father and slam my napkin on the table, which falls to the floor, so really what was I proving by littering, and approach the counter.

"Hi, yeah, here's the receipt. The entire order is screwed up. He's allergic to onions and I'm not seeing any chicken in there." (Yeah, wearing the bitch hat.)

So I get the obligatory "sigh of frustration," which I think in the tri-state area is an official weather pattern.

And I expect nothing less than a side order of chicken added to my half eaten salad and a spare roll for BF. I'm not hopeful here. We ARE talking about customer service, right?

Well, I swear on Alec Baldwin's phone bill, they not only give us our money back, they give us both new entrees (that looked better than previous...and I saw them make it, no spittle in sight) AND escorted me to the table.

We're done, right?

No, because here comes Manager:

"Folks, I just wanted to stop by and apologize for the mix-up. I wouldn't blame you for not coming back, but I hope you do. We've just put things together here, so they're a little unorganized."

Sitting there, mid lettuce, I chew "thanks".

"Ok, well, you guys have a good day and hope to see you again!"

Ok...we're stunned. But wait, who's this?

Food prep guy: "hey, sorry about that. I screwed up. Hope you guys come back."

I choked on my complimentary bread. No really. I did. Crumb in windpipe.

Luckily, I recovered. They'd probably flog themselves if I choked to death.

So, bravo Atlanta Bread Company in Clifton, NJ. You guys took the Wrath out of me...

...That is, until I have to refill my meds at Duane Reade...

Duane Reade's Rigorous Entrance Exam

A little bird told me to visit DuaneReade.com and take a look at their online job application. I figured it might have a typo or some lame background question, but I never thought I would stumble upon the comic gold that lies before you.

This test is multiple choice only. Please take out your #2 Ticonderoga pencils and put your head down on the desk when you've completed. You must answer each question before going to the next (this is true, btw). Ready class?

Begin!

As a condition of employment, would you be willing to be screened for illegal drug use in the next 3 business days?

Are you willing to work with the general public?
(Sincerely love the fact they have to ask.)

Will you authorize us to conduct a criminal background check?
(This theme was brought up a few times in the exam. I get that this is standard for pretty much any job, but about 25% of the test was dedicated to your 'record'.)

Have you ever been fired due to attendance problems?
Should a person who's been caught using illegal drugs or alcohol at work be fired?
(Ah, the trick moral question.)

Can you operate a calculator?
(For those special moments when the f*in registers blow.)

Have you been convicted of any other crimes in the past 10 years?
Do not answer "Yes" if your conviction record has been annulled, expunged, pardoned, erased, impounded or sealed. *Note: The existence of a criminal history will not automatically disqualify you from the job you are applying for.
(See?)

Has your family received Food Stamps in the last 15 months?
(Now, to be fair, they said these types of questions were there for tax purposes only, but I'm wondering if it's legal to even ask this question? Any lawyers out there willing to illuminate?)

In the last 6 months, were you member of a low-income family?
(Your choices here were 'yes, no or I'm not sure.' Sorry DR, I've been there. If you're broke, you're sure.)

Do you find dealing with customers to be difficult?

Is it hard for you to be friendly and courteous if the customer is rude?

Is it acceptable to argue with a customer if you think they are wrong?

Would you say finishing a task is more important than stopping to help a customer?
(These are my favorite, since folks obviously don't answer these truthfully. Funny how the questions they ask make you wonder how many complaints they've received that would warrant a special place in a job questionnaire.)

Would you rather:
A. Always be pleasant to everyone
B. Have supervisors who know what they are doing
(Those are the options - be nice or have a competent boss?)

Would you rather:
A. Decide yourself how to do the details of your work
B. Work where you don't have to pretend to be polite
(I truly would shed tears if they pretended to be polite.)

Would you rather:
A. Work where there are frequent conflicts
B. Do fun and creative work with your mind
(Gee, are there frequent conflicts at DR? Rather than finding folks who are ok with dealing with the conflicts, how about FIXING THEM?!)

Would you rather:
A. Do quick and accurate work with your hands
B. Stay patient with equipment that breaks down
(See 'calculator'.)

Answer these yes/no:
You do some things that upset people
(Does eating cheetos at the cash register count?)

You don't act polite when you don't want to

Any trouble you have is your own fault

You are careful not to offend people

You have no big regrets about your past
(Gettin' a little personal there, Duane. And, what if your biggest regret was not shooting up a pharmacy chain?)

It bothers you when you have to obey a lot of rules

It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free (Another morality issue...personally, I was disappointed there was no 'roe v. wade' question here.)

You look back and feel bad about things you've done (Yes. Every moment of my life. It involves fire. Now, can you please give me a job where I can ignore customers, talk on my cell while 'working' a register and f*up pharmaceuticals? Thenkew.)

Pencils down!